flight number 555 departing in...??

december 31, 2024

i think i’m in the middle of my hero’s journey. i think i’m in the eye of it, the pupil, the iris, the tear duct. i think and make decisions and double check my work and wonder if i’ve done it “right” and then i figure if i’m going to keep second guessing and doing the opposite of what my heart is telling me to do then i might as well turn around and go home and listen to my mother.

listen to my mother

listen to my mother

listen to my mother

tell me

"your father loves you very much,"

after he just got done yelling and

beating spanking me.

my inner child has gotten quiet, more quiet, less disruptive? i ask her if she’s okay, she says yea i’m just hungry. me too little one, me too.

i think i’m in the middle of my hero’s journey.

the part where i let it cook, trusting that i’ve done all that’s necessary and all that’s left is to let it do it’s thing. whatever that is,

let it cook

let it cook

let it cook

i'm hungry

hunger is familiar, she curls up next me and sleeps on my arm until it falls asleep and i can’t move. i was convinced that when i left, everything would just fall together. that my one decision would trigger a lot of small, medium and big sized things to come together. and i’d tilt my head back and watch and when the last one slide into place i’d sigh with a cute little smile on my face, maybe my eyes would glisten? anyway i’d throw my shoulders back and walk determined in this knowing sort of way the few short steps toward the rest of it, the rest of my life. the one i’ve been pinning, growing, crying, working, developing, wishing, for…but it’s not like that. the sky is grey, the winter is cold, my coin is low, i’m unsure of what the universe wants from me (whatever it is someone please just give it to her) and my ability to hit everything on maslow’s hierarchy of needs is reaching new lows everyday.

but every time i figure something else out, a solution to a small, medium, or big sized problem, a small teeny tiny part of me looks up in surprise. we did it? we did it. my inner child and inner teen both look at me frozen like if we breathe or touch something we’ll f something up. small cautious smiles stretch across our faces and when we’re sure that what we’ve done won’t explode, my inner child screams “see! i told you we could do it!”

i find solace in the library, it’s quiet and i can hear myself think. and there’s free wifi. though the bookshelves in libraries are all made out of these metal shelf contraption thingys and i hate them. where are the wooden bookshelves with character and personality? with stories woven between them, between the books, between the pages. between between between…

i think i’m in the middle of my hero’s journey.

i’m doing my best not to create an elaborate narrative about this. trying hard to not zoom out and take a peek at a birds eye view that is completely incomplete for me. that’s how i get into trouble…i think i’m meant to enjoy this too. it feels a bit like being stuck at the airport, in between flights except you don’t know when the next one will be. so you get comfy, you find a good spot to lay down with a fast charging outlet. a spot that’s near the bathrooms but not too close to be gross. a spot that’s not eons away from the food court. you go into survival mode like our ancestors, like pioneers. i think i’m a pioneer…i think that this traveling and exploring and finding my own path counts as a little pioneering…like our ancestors, identify what you need to survive and pick a spot in close enough proximity to those things, and make a home or wait, until your flight number is called.

that’s me in the waiting, picture me pointing to a map with my big head on it. in between two peaks, tired, hungry, and in desperate need of a bath. i hear my inner child giggle, oh that’s funny huh?

i’m listening to disney music, “go the distance,” “on my way,” “into the unknown…” there’s a distinct and obvious theme here. they’re comforting, in between the confusion and the waiting at the airport. my body is tired, my mind a little achy, but i don’t want to miss this, this in betweening. it feels important, feels like my character is being developed here and i want to be awake for it.

it’s really not that bad this uncomfortability, enough to keep you awake, not enough to chafe. mmmm i think i like my new life and she’s not even done baking yet…i-i think i like me, and i’m not even done baking yet.

m.