the one where i'm crying in the middle of ikea.

makhelainez
Jan 9, 2025
5 min read

january 09, 2025

i made it to minnesota.

i’m in minnesota.

i live in minnesota.

every frozen lake i see reminds me of jo and laurie ice skating in the 1994 little women movie. the parks here have ice hockey rinks and i think it’s so cute. i’ve started to call myself a minnesotan and when i do i smile like a kid on the first day of school. last day of school.

i’ve been thinking deeply about what it looks like and feels like to start a new life.

starting a new life looks like finding a favorite park to go walking in. it looks like not needing my gps to get around, smells like a new favorite coffee shop, a good cup and a cozy place to write for hrs and hrs. it looks like walking to the corner to pick up some olive oil from the neighborhood grocery store. it sounds like me whispering “i live here now” with eyes wide, whilst squealing and kicking my feet like i just received a text from a lover.

starting a new life, starting this new life looks like standing on a frozen lake.

adds to bucket list

i smile and say hi when i pass strangers now.

i live here now, i’m part of the community (?!) so,

i smile and say hi when i pass strangers now.

all week i wondered where the snow was but then i was grateful i couldn’t find it because well, i’m in between places right now. but it’s exactly a week after i arrived at my new home and it’s snowing. and if you’re acquainted with lorelai gilmore then you know that snow, the first snow is magical and full of good things. and it might not be the first snow in minnesota this season but it’s my first snow in minnesota and it feels pregnant with promise and hope and encouragement. my tears fall with the snow on the frozen lake and i am hushed. like a lullaby to a baby, the doubt and worry busy themselves with their bottom lips and nail beds and find somewhere else to be, because this is spiritual, this is magic.

the sky is white, the air is white, the ground is white, and it is quiet. i pause my spotify playlist to listen to the silence. the silence of my new home christening my arrival in the most minnesota way possible.

“thank you, for welcoming me” i whisper.

i’m feeling called to stand tall, to be more determined, more resolute, more actionable. “you can do it” i whisper, while fear and doubt change shifts. “you are absolutely brilliant and you can do it.” it’s mental fortitude and the releasing of thinking too much.

“choose and trust”

i encourage myself

“choose and trust”

i remind.

i’m feeling the call to remember who i am, just in a different way this time. i worry every time if i can and every time i do. and still, doubt she is cunning in how she’s asks and second guesses every decision made and every decision passed on.

i learned about personification in the fourth grade and i haven’t been able to won’t stop.

i made it to minnesota and started crying in the middle of ikea.

honestly i cried the majority of the way here. six hours from nebraska to minnesota and i’m crying because this road trip is eight years in the making. minnesota has been tugging on my heart, whispering my name, asking when i’ll be on my way and here i am (?!?!?!) in my honda civic crying as cynthia erivo sings ‘the wizard and i’ and i-i am on my way.

and now i’m here.

a friend texted me to see how things were going whilst i was walking through ikea and i said “i’m gonna really enjoy building a new liiifee heeeerrree, i’m still sleeping in my car for now but my spirits are high and it’s all temporary.” i tell her “i can feel myself changing and my character developing and it’s absolutely beautiful.” and there i am, crying in the middle of ikea next to the tinted water glasses and tea pots.

every other day i start to panic a little but i’ve been reading my journal entries from last week, two weeks ago, four weeks ago and the most obvious theme is that i’m truly okay. okay in a way that feels light and grounding and hopeful and bursting with possibilities. the past three weeks i’ve been worried if i was gonna make it and every time i do, i make it to where i’m going, i’m on this journey and i am continuously making it, every step of the way. while i’m rewriting the narrative of my life i feel myself being rewritten, with hope and joy, trust and love. there is something magical happening inside of me and i don’t have the vocabulary to describe it just yet, i just know that it’s all for my betterment and if i wasn’t supposed to be here, then i just simply wouldn’t be.

but i’m walking around ikea,

and because i’m practicing being more present i don’t have my airpods in. which is slightly killing me because having a specialized playlist just for myself playing in my ear makes me feel like hilary duff in any of her movies…but because i’m practicing being more present i hear a couple, the woman is looking at a silverware set and the husband(??) goes “you like those?” and she responds with “they’re very expensive” and he goes “but do you like them?” and she releases a small sigh and goes “yea these are my favorite.”

i walk away smiling because

how sweet (?!?!) how extremely tender

mindful, considerate, loving

i walk away smiling because

it feels like, i’ve just been a witness to magic

because it feels like my day has been romanticized by

two strangers

i walk away smiling

and i thank them

and i thank me

for being present

i watch numerous couples walk through holding hands and it makes me want to cry because i love holding hands, it’s so small and so simple but such an intentional something of “hey look everyone, i care about this person.” and

i wish,

i wait,

i know, that i am cared for someday like that.

i am being made new, i’m still sleeping in my car but i’m safe, and where i want to be and my tummy isn’t empty and my inner child is tucked away somewhere happy and humming.

and it’s snowing in minnesota today, and i am grateful, and i am free.

songs that sound like this week:

the one where i'm crying in the middle of ikea.

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