no more hiding...

october 30, 2024

“hide it under a bushel no, i’m gonna let it shine…”

i’ve been hiding. even when i’ve been here, or on another platform, i’ve been hiding. it hasn’t been easy to allow myself to be seen. my early moments of being seen resulted in judgment and skepticism and a lot of “are you sure you want to do that? what about…?” and since those early moments, i’ve avoided it and the vulnerability that comes with it. there have been few who have seen me, truly. and fewer still who have seen me and held their arms open in acceptance. and because of that, because of those experiences i’ve been hiding, in fact i do ‘hiding’ really well. i hide my work, bits and pieces of my personality, things that i like, things i don’t like. and to play devil’s advocate, maybe it hasn’t been just simply hiding but protecting. protecting sounds gallant and like a decision that was made out of some need to mother hen myself rather than the absolute fear behind, hiding.

but, i’ve been craving, yearning, longing my whole life to be seen. seen, understood, and accepted not just by anyone but by the people closest to me. so obviously if i’ve been hiding, then i’ve also been avoiding sharing my work. i’ve been writing and developing essays, prose and poetry for years and i haven’t been sharing it. or i’ll share it, but in a tiny corner of the internet that i don’t tell anyone about. exhibit a your honor, i ran a blog during my undergraduate that ironically only my mom knew about. i remember posting an essay and her texting me that there was a typo. my anxiety skyrocketed and i hurried to my computer to fix it, thinking, “ugh and this is why i shouldn’t even bother.”

the hidden blog in question, titled after my self-published book of poetry Not Enough - 2015

when i think about championing my work i first think about how i’ll have to come out of hiding and that makes me feel queasy. a good ole “ugh no, i do not want to do that.” at times i have felt like a telemarketer, “hello yes, my name is makhela i’ve just created something, please everyone come look at it please….please?” there’s something about the current market (those last two words make me want to gag) of influencer and content creator that feels very gimmicky. when i think about championing my work, putting it out there and asking people to look at it, that’s what i think of. and i don’t want my championing to be or feel like that. and of course it doesn’t have to but any attempts to come up with a better idea have been firmly blocked by my very insecure, very protective 14 year old self.

i’ve been shy and scared and i’m not used to championing my work. i’m not used to being excited or proud of the things i’ve created. to being outwardly excited about people seeing and reading the things that i’ve written?! spent time on, been vulnerable in?! tuh. art is subjective and while i think my writing is fantastic others might not and then what? there’s probably some lingering people pleaser in there and woman being taught not to take up space, be too proud, too loud, too different hidden in there as well, but that’s another essay…

so in acknowledging the existence of all of these unhelpful beliefs within myself. i offer myself compassion and gentleness knowing that none of this was my idea but that they were seeds planted in my garden and now i have to weed them out. and so i turn to myself and say, i’ll just have fun with it. i’ll just have fun with it i say as i tighten the straight jacket of overthinking and goals that feel weird to say out loud. we’ll start small and we’ll make it fun. emphasis on starting small.

i used to tell my students this all the time, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be done, and done from the heart.

in this new season that i’m in, i’m acknowledging how imperative it is for me, to choose myself. i have to choose me. i have to bet on me, and bet on myself with everything i have. there are people in my life who i wished had championed for me as a child and they didn’t. there are people in my life who i wished saw me, took the time to see me and understand and hold their arms open in acceptance, but they didn’t. and so it is even more important that i do that now, for myself. my inner child needs that, grown up makhela needs that.

makhela i see you. you deserve to be seen to be celebrated and appreciated. your work deserves to be here and be seen, you deserve to be here and to be seen. so champion baby, champion fucking hard.