coy camouflage

august 26, 2024

my feelings like to play camouflage on the walls of my mind.

they used to walk through the door, settle into their favorite chair and light a candle. the scent of that candle would carry through the room, the halls and home of my mind and i would know, that they had arrived. sometimes the scent would sneak up on me in the middle of teaching my first graders or vacuuming my house in the middle of a sunday reset.

but now, my feelings, my fear. she sneaks in when i’m not looking and instead of lighting a candle she touches stuff. lays her hands on everything and leaves traces of herself behind. she doesn’t raise alarm frantically like i expect fear to do, she is sweet, coy and subtle about how she redecorates the inside of my mind. so that i don’t even realize how far i’ve gone to convince myself one way or the other but always in the opposite direction of where my journey is taking me.

i’ve begun to understand that part of rediscovering myself also means rediscovering how my feelings, my fear, operates because she is learning and adapting with me. which means i must learn how to spot her early on, because i am going to make it to where i am going, and she is coming with me.

years ago i read big magic by elizabeth gilbert and in it she talks about the strength and depth of our collective creativity and the fear she has experienced in following her dreams. and the expert below is one that i have kept in the forefront of my mind as my fear and i continue to negotiate and come to terms along this journey.

“dearest fear: creativity and i are about to go on a road trip together. i understand you'll be joining us, because you always do. i acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously. apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever i'm about to do anything interesting and, may i say, you are superb at your job. so by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. but i will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. and creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. there's plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this.

creativity and i are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. i recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so i will never exclude you from our activities, and still your suggestions will never be followed. you're allowed to have a seat, and you're allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. you're not allowed to touch the road maps; you're not allowed to suggest detours; you're not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. you're not even allowed to touch the radio. but above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.

if i can't learn to travel comfortably alongside my fear, then i’ll never be able to go anywhere interesting or do anything interesting. and wouldn’t that be a pity, because my life is short and rare and amazing and miraculous, and i want to do and make really interesting things while i’m still here. bringing my treasures to light takes work and faith and focus and courage and hours of devotion, and the clock is ticking, and the world is spinning, and i simply do not have anymore time, to think so small.” - elizabeth gilbert

m.