i am elphie, elphie is me.

december 13, 2024

cover photo by tasiaMS on twitter

“unlimited, my future is unlimited…”

it has taken some effort to gather my feelings and words since watching wicked two weeks ago. i haven’t felt so connected to a body of work in quite some time and i forgot how overwhelming it can be. watching wicked helped me feel seen and helped me see myself. i related to elphaba’s feelings of “other,” i related to her feelings of hope and this innate urge and consistent nudge to follow her heart. i don’t remember when i became this person who had to follow her heart. one day i just started saying yes, i started telling my heart that she matters and that i would always listen to what she had to say and before i knew it. i couldn’t tell her no. my heart has been tugging on me my entire life, asking me, begging me not to abandon it. my inner child too, has been tugging and pleading.

like a lot of us, i’m used to people pleasing and prioritizing the needs of others before myself, at the cost of myself and that is a practice that i’m still unlearning. but i watched elphaba choose herself relentlessly and without hesitation. when i think of the dancing sequence during the ozball, i think of the body language, the silence and the spaces between the looks being shared. i was in awe of how she chooses to be herself, to stand alone holding her head high and choosing every piece of who she is. it is textbook vulnerability to display that level of gentleness and determination, to stand tall even though tears may fall.

“something has changed within me, something is not the same”

i quit my job two and a half years ago and subconsciously i thought that was the first and last big leap of faith and trust i’d have to take…it wasn’t. i had no idea how massive the leap truly was or how extensive the journey would be afterward. i leaped and ever since i’ve been feeling my way around looking for somewhere safe to stand. it feels like playing one of those games on your gameboy, where your character is leaping from block to block but some of them are invisible and you don’t know where the next one is, you’re just guessing and trusting your instincts. i’m reaching my foot out far, tapping on each side, trying to find an invisible block that will hold me. testing my weight, being too scared to jump one day and hopping from block to block another day. only to look back to criticize the steps i’ve taken and worry and second guess if i’ve taken the “right” ones.

my heart and soul are open enough now, two and a half years later, to leap again. i watched elphaba stand alone and then jump off that building unsure if she would fly and seeing the reflection of her inner child and i couldn’t help but think of myself. i’m less than a week out from moving out of the house that i grew up in and this move has so many layers. it is a funeral, a death, a dying of self because for the new to exist, the old must die. i have braved many evolutions to become the person i am now. i have felt lonely and alone most of my life but doing this alone, braving this kind of lonely has been the most rewarding mental and emotional marathon of my life. trusting myself, trusting this lonely, trusting the quiet act of healing, and putting myself back together is something i will never regret.

but now it’s time to leap again. i’ve told a few friends that i haven’t ever felt true fear like i have these past 3-4 months packing and planning this move. i watched elphaba jump off that building and she didn’t look scared at all, she looked determined and resolved with the choice she was making. i think if i ignored the noise, the fear that was sold to me, i might be able to complete this leap with a measure of calm and resolution. but even this i have to do by myself. part of my inner child keeps wanting to defer to other people. enlist friends or family members into my ‘pep talking army’ to help convince me that i’m making the right decision, to encourage me and remind me that everything will work out. but i’ve been deferring to other people my whole life, looking outward to find reassurance. it’s time i stand on my own, ten toes down and encourage the small embers of hope and magic to grow within me.

“and if i’m flying solo, at least i’m flying free…”

on the last day of teaching first grade, i said goodbye to my students and my teacher’s assistant who had become a close friend. i cried, the students cried, my co-workers passed me in the halls with “omg you made it out! good luck!” i got in my car and drove down the highway and i don’t remember what song was playing but i remember tears pouring down my face as i whispered,

“i’m free, i’m free.”

i rolled down the window, reached my arm out into the wind and screamed, “i’m free!”

i’ve heard defying gravity numerous times and never once actually listened to the words. i cried like the biggest baby watching elphie, because in her i saw me. and i came home and looked around at my house that was 85% ready for me to leap again and i knew, that as soon as i stopped crying i needed to collect myself and my belongings and get on, to defying gravity. the road will rise to meet me.

i will not fall, i will fly.