gentle working

december 14, 2024

don’t mind me, i’m just re-releasing this podcast episode because my beginners mind figure out how to fix it!! have a wonderful weekend everyone!

m.

i discussed last week on my substack publication and small plug, if you were not already aware i have a writing companion to this podcast on substack also titled refined ink and i post there weekly. but last week I released an essay about monetizing my work. i talked about being scared to do so but in a way i’m doing the opposite of what any business savvy person would be doing here.

i was on the phone with a friend a few days ago and very passionately i told her that i don’t dream of work. i’ve been hesitant for years now to dip toes and feet into the pools of entrepreneurship and becoming a business woman who puts her work online for a set amount of funds. some of it, admittedly, has always been fear. i didn’t grow up with a lot of self confidence in my ability to make things happen, didn’t trust myself to make decisions and so to start a business sounded like the ultimate adulting thing that i would never figure out. after all i can barely figure out how to work my own insurance.

but my lack of self trust and confidence aside, i’ve never dreamed of working. working is the box i try to stuff myself into when i’m doubtful if i can create my dream life in this very unorthodox way. and being a hard worker, sounds absolutely miserable. it doesn’t sound fun, or romantic or the fairy dust that gets sprinkled on your life when you believe in bigger things. being a hard worker, sounds like a trap and i want no part of it. they kept telling us as kids to be the change you want to see in the world and i’m remembering that in this season and taking it abundantly seriously.

i don’t want to be a hard worker, i want to be a gentle one. i believe in gentle working…hear me out because i think i’ve been doing this with myself for a while.

gentle working to me means respecting the seasons, respecting the ebb and flow, gentle nudging to carry on when i can but with the complete understanding that sometimes “i don’t want to” is reason enough, not to. moving in this direction means prioritizing harmony over balance, knowing that writing is my purpose and resting isn’t far behind.

so i’ve decided on a few things about my place here on the internet and by doing so i’ve also set some intentions. this is not a business, this is not my art, my creativeness made to fit within the systems that are already in place. systems that i’m already not very keen on.

this is not a business. what i’m doing, embodying my full self, my expression, my creativity is my dedication. a dedication is the quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose. i have known since i was a girl that i was meant to write. i am beholding to it, obligated to its magic and romance, this thing that we do. how the words come, how the ideas whisper themselves into the quiet of my mind and of my heart. i could no sooner stop writing than i could stop breathing. so much of me doesn’t want to perpetuate the systems by which we feel we have to live by. because this sanctuary, this reverence i both participate in and create when i write, i don’t want to taint it with the thought of business or twist it, mold it, cheapen it? into a transaction. you will see no ads here and i will ask nothing of you. i just want to be, be free, write, create, and above all rest. in my publication i told my readers that we were operating under the honor system and likened it to the fruits stands you might see in the countryside, cucumbers are a $1, strawberries are .50, leave the cash in the envelope and have a good day…what i have to give, my creations my labors of love and life and honesty are here open for anyone who would like to read. and in doing this i put myself in a position to be completely supported by whatever my readers and listeners are willing to give. and operating this way allows for my writing and my presence here to remain free and whatever i receive is something that is given completely from the heart.

i don’t want to force myself to fit anymore, more than anything i just want to continue to be myself, and in doing this i get a little closer to that.

after all it is me, here on the page, the essence of who i am, the history of who i was and the hope of everything that i wish to be. how do i turn and make that a transaction? cast a spell on it and turn it into something i potentially hate, dread and wish to be rid of. this work is sacred, it’s complicated and beautiful and i wish to honor, this gift. i am dedicated to writing, dedicated to being myself, to the fullest expression of who i am, however that authentically chooses to manifest.

my dedication, my life’s purpose, the thing i know i must do. writing is who i am when the sun goes down and the world is chaotic and unknown. makhela inez is a writer, my eyes weld up with tears writing that because for so long i was scared to claim that and now i say it with shoulders laid back and head held high. oh makhela the mountains you have climbed.

there is this yogi on youtube who has a catch phrase as she’s moving through the poses and transitions, she says “find what feels good.” i remember hearing that not for the first time but it echoed in me as something that i could apply to more than just yoga. right now what feels good is being free, writing with the gentlest masculine energy in the room. making big and small sweet promises to myself, recording this podcast episode feels good. trusting the universe to continue to support and protect me feels good. releasing worry and the societal expectations of what my life “should” look like always feels really good. if the last few months have been about courage, then these next few are about finding what feels good in my life, and trusting myself to call it out, follow it and do more of it when i find it.

i’m immensely tickled at my bravery, the rate at which i am growing and trusting that everything will works out in my favor is more than i ever truly recognize in any given moment and above all i am so grateful to be here. doing what i love, my purpose, my dedication.