i find comfort in the dark

december 27, 2024

i have a confession, i love that it gets dark early. i saw someone say “how much daylight are they trying to save?!” and i laughed so hard.

i’ll admit every year it takes a little getting used to, the yawns that start at three pm and the way our bodies want to shut down by five. while i was still teaching i would dread this time. the sun would be down when i went to work and would be down again as i was leaving. everyday i’d return home from teaching being tired from the day and too tired to do anything else for myself. i’d push myself to go to the gym, push myself to make a meal, but now…i let the darkness seduce me. coax me into a nap or two, into candles lit around the room and cozy soups for dinner.

the way nature tugs on us every year to slow down and relax and every year we do the opposite. this year, i’m not doing the opposite. this year i’m going to let nature tug me, seduce me into more sleep, into slowing down, into breathing, into feeling the bite of the wind outside and relishing it. this time is so utterly romantic and this year, i plan to let it romance me.

i have a similar love affair with the dark that i do with the rain and years ago i wrote this poem:

nothing to fake on a rainy day

can’t pretend on a rainy day

sins and regrets made obvious

don’t run away

can’t,

run away.

hard to breathe

words caught at the back of my throat

sobs caught,

at the back of my throat.

the filth of my existence, spelled out.

hooked on phonics.

begs and bribery

a bargain negotiated.

hope unmined

a cloud to dream on

that perhaps the theatre of my reality

might change

i find it so much easier to be honest with myself during this time. i don’t often need an excuse these days but it is an excuse just the same to drop the mask, drop the pretenses. to let every sorrowful, painful, frustrating thing about myself bubble up to the surface to be met gently with a open heart, a open mind, compassion prepared in warm cups of hot chocolate snuggled deeply within my favorite movies and blankets. nothing to hide from and no where to hide, i can be as honest as i need to be. i welcome the dark and let it comfort me as the rawness of my reality takes shape. the cold and the rain, in it all, i feel free.

and while we’re here talking about it, i don’t believe the new year starts in the middle of winter. for the next month or so a lot of people are going to talk about the upcoming year, what resolutions everyone is considering and what word they’ve picked for next year. several of us are going to make jokes about how we’d like to put ourselves into a small coma for the next four years. but regardless of any of that i don’t believe the new year even starts in january. nature is still sleeping, the sun is still going down mid afternoon and instead of ramping myself up to do something or several productive things. i’m going to continue to rest, because that’s what nature is doing. i’m going to enjoy the afterglow of the holidays, ease into hygge, wintering, winter music, books and blankets. and when nature starts to defrost around march, i’ll consider what and who i want to be in the upcoming year.

my word this year was ‘successful.’ i had other thoughts and dreams for how i thought that word would have manifested, but i remember telling my therapist in march that above all i just didn’t want this year to look like a copy pasta of last year. and i’m so glad that it hasn’t. i don’t ever give myself enough credit in the moment but looking back on this year i see how i’ve been successful in so many ways and i could give myself so many high fives for how i’ve shown up in the world, how i’ve continued to be gentle and compassionate with myself. now i’m in a completely different city, starting my life over and i am in awe of myself. last week i traveled between a full moon on one weekend and the winter solstice on the following weekend and it felt like i was closing one portal and opening a brand new one.

i don’t know what my word will be next year but i’m excited to continue resting, continue recovering and adjusting to this newness of so much hope and so much opportunity.

m.

if you’d like to listen along, here is a playlist for cozy wintering, enjoy and happy holidays. <iframe data-testid="embed-iframe" style="border-radius:12px" src="https://open.spotify.com/embed/playlist/1tR4eWMzOIrhwxEKjYqwA9?utm_source=generator" width="100%" height="352" frameBorder="0" allowfullscreen="" allow="autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; fullscreen; picture-in-picture" loading="lazy"></iframe>