dear diary

november 15, 2024

in an effort to respect the ebb and flow of not just my journey but also all the feelings that come with it, i’m posting this. not all of this journey is neat and pretty and easy to romanticize. some of it is dreary, and even the dreariness deserves to be seen, felt, and held with tenderness.

i am changing, not the same person i was three months ago. i look up to see the seasons changing, the leaves curling up to die and fall off their trees. and this slow heavy grief rises up in me. i am changing, shedding skin in the messiest and most lethargic way possible.

i’m consumed by it. every day i get up and watch water boil on an empty stomach. i’m hungry. hungry for what is missing.

i’ve managed to appreciate the changes and journeys shown all around me except for when it is me changing, except for when it is me on the journey. the autumn never seems long enough to me anymore. it’s a mere transition season, a bridge between the summer and winter and yet it is my favorite because the change no matter how slow or fast is so beautiful. and i wish, i wish i saw my own change that way. wish, i wasn’t in such a hurry. wish i’d love my own changing season a little more. she deserves my love, my adoration. maybe one day i’ll find the love and adoration to give to her…before it’s too late.