mirror

october 11, 2024

i’m so incredibly proud of this piece. i’ve been experiencing a lot of ‘life’ lately and season after season i come back to the page and i realize that i have to find my voice again. so many drafts, so many unfinished pieces…but this one, is so honest, so vulnerable and it feels like me.

thank you for being here,

-m.

i am the characters i read about.

the ones i get frustrated with because they go left

instead of going right. because they convince

themselves they can’t do it when they so clearly can.

i can see it

i can see it

i can see that they can

i can see that i can

i can’t see that i can

forth and back pacing

in my mind

the carpet is worn warm matted

my feelings and my fear

all gather in the living room

discussing and strategizing

how

do we get her

out the door

i don’t see how i can

i know i can

i think i can

don’t see how

i can

the answer is there

it is here

it’s right here

but i

miss it.

i look and look again

i think about

how i look

where i look

what i look

who i look

when i look

i think and think

and think some more

think again think again

thinkagainthinkagainthinkagain

i feel about how i think

and

i think about how i feel

how it feels thinking

how i think about feeling

how i think about these feelings

those feelings

yesterday’s feelings

tomorrow’s feelings

i touch the door

and think about that too

i touch the knob

and think about that

i unlock the door

and go to bed

because

that was enough for

today

for now

for this month

for this year

i think about the door

lean on the door

ask a friend to push me

through the goddamn door

my feelings and my fear

whisper amongst themselves

and look at me with worry

don’t look at me like that,

i cry

i try again

i fail

i try again

i fail

i try again

i win

i succeed

i make it

i can’t see that

the lights are off

and

i

can’t

see that

can’t feel my way to that

i try anyway

i try more

i try less

i do something new

i do something old

i do something familiar

i breathe

i make it.

i make it.

i made it.

do i?