no more sad girl summer

september 11, 2024

i’ve been known to have a little seasonal depression. except instead of feeling the seasonal blues in the wintertime, i feel it in the heat of the summer. but i was determined for this summer to be different. this summer i said goodbye to a lot of things and chose to walk into new mindsets and be intentional about the feelings i was reaching for. this summer i decided to be intentional about my happiness, for she felt close enough to simply reach for and hold her hand and so i did. i reached for sloppy fruits, chilled rose, books that i used to read as a girl, and for two and half hour road trips to the beach. this summer i paid attention to the bright possibilities and opportunities in my life.

assateague island, md 2024

i used to teach elementary school and summers were about deep rest to recoup from the previous school year and quickly prepare for the next one. but they soon evolved into a time when i had a list of things that i wanted to do, but didn’t have the energy to do them. and the sadness i felt about not being able to do all of those energetic, “i love my life” summer things were compounded by the fact that the ac in my house is very unreliable. and so the season also evolved into how miserable i was with the heat in my house, that i loved to be in as a homebody.

but now as a single woman in her thirties (i love how that sounds btw) i want to remember these too hot summers. the summers where my skin was slick with sweat and my loyal floor fan was doing her best but was only capable of blowing hot air in my face. i made this choice because it’s very nostalgic for me to remember the swings that were too hot and my hands that were sticky from popsicles as a child. the sand that would hide in my bathing suit after days with other camp kids at the beach and the towels that seemed like they would never dry. i think of those times with great fondness, and i’m convinced that i will look on this time fondly as well.

my first apartment was a studio apartment, no more that 300 sq ft, and there were so many things “wrong” with it. the stove was nearly directly in front of the sink and when i opened the refrigerator door i’d bump into the stove. but when i remember it, i don’t remember how much of a pain in the ass it was to wash dishes, or to make my mom’s curry recipe with dough and flour flying everywhere. i remember how cozy it was, how i decorated for christmas with this tiny very “charlie brown” christmas tree and hosted my first christmas party. i remember my dearest friend coming to that apartment after her first date with her now husband and the squeals we let loose as she recounted the night. i remember drinking in that apartment one saturday with five maybe six of us in there laughing. i laughed so hard i cried because the comradery i was finding and experiencing in that moment reminded me of my best friend from high school, and how much i missed her.

lincoln, ne 2016

the present may be uncomfortable now, but for every uncomfortability, i can find a memory that will bring tears to my eyes of how simple, peaceful, and loving that time in my life was.

and so, this summer i chose to take deep breaths and have lots of ice cold water and ice cold showers, and chose to remember this heat in my wonderful house where i spent, single, in my thirties saying yes to all the things my heart desired.

m.