on this episode of being sick and tired

november 10, 2024

i know i’m tired with a weariness that weighs in my bones and in my blood. i know i’m done arguing and debating. there are some things that i believe to be an absolute, a right to every human being, no exceptions. and i’m done letting it continue to be a topic of debate and negotiation. there’s this concept of leaving people where they’re at. for a while i thought it was my job to inform people of how wrong they were, because that’s what was modeled for me as a kid. i grew up thinking that i had to tell people that they were on the wrong path, believed the “wrong” thing. i learned how twisted that line of thinking was, and learned in the nicest way i could ever learn that lesson that minding my damn business was a better idea.

when i think of this country and it’s history, it feels very akin to that one friend you have that’s dating a really toxic guy. he belittles her, ignores her for days, tells her she’s asking for too much, that he’s doing the best he can. and still every week she’s at his house, cleaning, cooking, doing his laundry being the best girlfriend on the planet. it’s clear to everyone but her that he hates her, but she’s sure that she can change him, make him love her. i no longer have any interest in making america love me. this country has made it clear time and time again how little it thinks of people who look like me and i think i’m done trying to understand, reason, and debate logically about how they’re wrong. i think i’m ready to leave this country, exactly where it’s at.

when a job, partner or friend are no longer in alignment with who we are and what we want to surround ourselves with morally, we leave. we encourage ourselves and each other to have deal breakers for all of these other facets of our lives and when i think about how that works, how we say no and hold to our boundaries, i begin to ask myself why stay? to be fair i don’t know what leaving looks like, i don’t know where either, but i know i’m done begging and pleading for what i rightfully deserve, because why should i continue to stay somewhere i am clearly not wanted.

i’m up to my ears in experiences that aren’t fair. i can feel my inner seven year old self come to the surface screaming, “but this isn’t fair!” i don’t know when we all just started accepting things to just be unfair instead of doing more things to be fair and to make the unfair things right but i hate that part of adulthood. every since i got here, i knew i hated it. i remember working at my first big girl job. it was my first year of teaching and (no one tells you this, they drill into your little child brain about how important it is to play fairly and contribute to a fair classroom and school community and then as soon as you’re an adult in the workplace all of those rules suddenly go out the window) the workplace, is filled with minor and major occurrences of unfairness. from someone skipping morning duty to parking in the wrong spot to not turning in lesson plans for a month and getting away it. i remember that first year of teaching clear as day and i remember grieving, i couldn’t tell you exactly what it was that i was grieving but this notion and experience of things not being fair, is such a sore spot for me. it’s a recurrence that i can’t seem to get away from and this past week has been the one thing to rub up against this very sore spot from not just my childhood but from a racially generational old wound.

i got into a minor car accident this week, i’m talkin’ a small crack through my back bumper and a paint job. it was so minor i didn’t even want to call the insurance of the man who hit me. my mom called me later that evening to ask me about it. she asked me a few questions and then asked if i’d called the police to file a report. i remember getting out of the car to exchange licenses and insurance. i remember considering calling the police but thought about how we were both poc’s and i didn’t want to take that chance and then i wanted to yell at my black mother. i wanted to yell and ask her if she was seriously asking me if i’d called the police. i’m tired with how our lives are so different from theirs. differences are supposed to be beautiful and bring us closer together but our lives are so different from theirs. in a way that there is no other reference with which to draw from and to describe our experiences. it’s not just that our experiences and how we move through the world are different, it’s that those differences manage to be in the most unfair places and manifest in the most unfair ways that have my inner child wanting to scream at the sky.

i think about my twenty-three year old self having her big kid teaching job and needing to grieve the unfairness that rested in that job. the inconsistent rules and protocols the ‘oh it applies to you but not to him.’ am tired of holding myself accountable, and waiting for the “adult” adults around me to do the same. because seven year old makhela wasn’t allowed to make mistakes, she wasn’t allowed to fail or mess up. she was asked, demanded, commanded (and any other synonym i can find here) to do what she was told, when she was told to do it, thinking that all the adults in the world were doing the same. and then to grow up and find out they weren’t but worse they were the near descriptions of the villains and bad guys she grew up reading and watching?!

i don’t want to fight anymore. not with anyone and not certainly for this country that has never actually fought for me. like i said i don’t know what leaving looks like, i don’t know where, when or how, but i could say that about a lot of things in my life right now. lucky for me, my life most recently has been asking me for a lot of courage, more courage and bravery than i thought i had, but again lucky for me cuz it looks like i’ve got a lot to go around. and not having the answers to those questions just means that i need to go up in the back and pull out more cans of courage and faith and eat them up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. there is goodness in this world, there are joyful people who create community and take care of each other and i will find them, they will find me.

i’m not going to do this anymore. i’m just going to leave and i’m going to keep leaving until i find a place that treats me how i deserve.