too big too small

september 30, 2024

a few weeks ago i was binge watching a few athlete docu series on netflix. watching them back to back, i was captivated not just by their skill, which was so very obvious and amazing to watch, but also by how much we had in common. first i watched america’s sweethearts: the dallas cowboy cheerleaders. my inner child was very excited because, well, i’m a millennial and i grew up watching the bring it on movies. so to sit and watch real life cheerleaders? my inner teen was having herself a time.

i watched the dallas cowboy cheerleaders be great, no i watched them be fan-fucking-tastic. cheering, dancing, throwing their legs in the air and landing in the splits. i listened as they interviewed veteran cheerleaders as they talked about how amazing the organization was and how after their four years of performing they left needing hip and knee replacement surgeries and years of physical therapy. by episode three i found out that they receive a part-time employee’s salary. they are expected to show up for practices, games, and charity events. they are applauded for being dallas cowboy cheerleaders in lots of ways but not in a way that reflects in their bank account. by episode six, i watched as a cheerleader was sexually assaulted in the middle of a performance at a football game. i watched these athletes be gaslit and gaslight themselves and each other into thinking that this was the best that they could do.

and of course after watching america’s sweethearts i was hooked, and so i watched simone biles rising. i watched that woman be phenomenal, i watched her be the best in the entire world. i listened to the interviews and her accounts of how she made the decision to withdraw from the 2020 olympics for her mental health. the backlash, the opinions, the nay-sayers (god, there are always nay-sayers aren’t there?) i watched racism play a part in her journey, misogyny for sure. i watched her doubt herself, wonder and worry a few times if she could do what she set out to do. i watched simone biles the most decorated gymnast in the entire world, be unsure of herself.

the us women’s world cup team was the last one on my netflix docu series tour. the us women’s team has been famously known for a few things but most certainly for how they have been championing for equal pay. the us women’s soccer team has won four world cups whereas the men’s soccer team hasn’t won any. these women, are leaders in their sport but like the other two series i watched, i saw some of them doubt themselves, saw them be gaslit completely into believing that what they were being given was enough. that it was potentially more than what they actually deserved. i watched the members of the us women’s soccer team underestimate and second guess themselves, worry about their placements, and fight for fair salary.

i couldn’t help but cry, because damn the people in our lives who have made us feel small. who refuse to see and acknowledge our accomplishments or insist that what we do isn’t big a deal. like so many and like some of these well decorated athletes, i believed myself to be small. i believed my work to be small and unimportant, a bother, a nuisance. but it is anything but that, i am anything but that.

we’re told to be quiet and to not take up space. don’t offend anyone and if you do apologize and quickly. don’t be too happy, don’t laugh too loud, don’t be too excited, too sad, too anything. i heard some of these things as a child and i believed them. i believed them so well that even now as i practice taking up space and saying simple things like “i’m a writer.” i can feel my inner child, hiding in the corners of my mind whispering “it’s not safe, we’re not supposed to tell people that.”

my inner child and i are working on it. i find comfort in watching these women do these groundbreaking, world-shattering things and still be gaslit, because in this shared experience i see myself and i do not feel alone. it’s not just me, and it’s not just in my head. there are systems in place to make sure that we feel small. no matter how big we shine or how amazing we are. i am not alone in this experience, not alone in these feelings or in my practices to wake myself up and remember who i am.

so to my inner child i will continue to say: i promise to keep trying. i promise to keep you company when you feel like you can’t do it. i promise to be gentle and kind and understanding. i promise to persist, i promise not to leave you alone or abandon our dreams. i promise not to enable your hiding, i promise to continue to coax you out of the dark, so that you can shine. i’m in it for the long haul, for as long as it takes.

.m